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My Conference Call With Mitch and John

Mitch, John. It’s David.

I know you’re both really busy, but I just wanted to say congratulations, and I wanted to tell you that I think you’re doing a great job so far. No, really, I mean it.

Mitch, you might look like Yertle the Turtle, but you have got some cojones, my friend.

I said “cojones.” Sorry, I forgot that you guys aren’t really down with the whole Latino thing.

No, John, those are “calzones,” and that’s Italian. “Cojones” basically means “brass balls.”

And, Mitch, you’ve got them. I mean, here the Republicans have gained control of just one half of one third of the Federal government, and it’s not even your half! Yet, there you are, issuing threats and ultimatums to the President of the United States. That’s gutsy. And smart! There’s nothing the American people like more in their politicians than pretension and arrogance. Well done!

John, you deserve a lot of credit, too. That was some performance you gave Tuesday night in your victory speech. Who would have guessed that beneath that gruff, burnt umber exterior dwells the soul of a thespian.

“Thespian,” Mitch. It means actor. Yes, I’m sure it’s not a “gay” word.

But, John, let me give you a quick tip. Sure, people like it when political figures reveal their softer side. And yes that was some story you told about starting out as a stock boy, or whatever, and following the American dream to where you are now. Who’d have guessed that a guy could go from earning minimum wage to shilling for Big Tobacco on the floor of the U.S. House of Representatives? Very inspiring.

Still, next time you might want to go with your “prideful humility” voice when talking about your resume, and save the waterworks for when you talk about your family. Otherwise, though, great job! Looks like you’re taking on the “Good Cop” role in all of this. Probably wise.

I also think that having Mike Pence out there talking like he’s been made king of the world is a nice touch. A counterpoint to the kinder, gentler you, and risk free, since no one likes him anyway. I hear he’s thinking of running for President in 2012.

Yeah, I thought it was hilarious, too.

Anyway, I should run, and you both have work to do. Enjoy yourselves and keep doing exactly what you’re doing. Two years is a long time in American politics; just ask Obama.

I knew you’d get a kick out of that.

Just make sure-- Well, never mind. You’ll figure it out for yourselves.

Or better yet, maybe you won’t.


( 17 comments — Leave a comment )
Nov. 4th, 2010 03:46 pm (UTC)
That was great. :D
Nov. 4th, 2010 04:47 pm (UTC)
Thanks, Lizziebelle!
Nov. 4th, 2010 04:53 pm (UTC)
>“Thespian,” Mitch. It means actor. Yes, I’m sure it’s not a “gay” word.

LOL. I've been waiting for someone to say this ever since I joined the Thespians back in high school, but I think your the first guy who did. ;-)
Nov. 4th, 2010 05:08 pm (UTC)
Thanks, Jagi. When this whole conversation came to me during my workout this morning, the thespian thing was the line that made me laugh out loud. That and "calzones"...
Nov. 4th, 2010 05:15 pm (UTC)
Yeah, the calzones made me laugh, too. ;-)
Nov. 4th, 2010 04:56 pm (UTC)
Mr. Clinton always said "The American people would rather vote for someone wrong and strong than someone weak and right."

You don't bring a handshake to a gunfight.
Nov. 4th, 2010 05:09 pm (UTC)
Sadly true. I think Obama CAN be right and strong. Here's hoping....
Nov. 4th, 2010 05:17 pm (UTC)
I am always happier when there is gridlock in Washington. Whomever is presendent, I'm happier if Congress is controlled by the other guys. I think that things moving slowly...and making sure they are actually agreed upon...is much better than one side, either side, rushing stuff through.

Obama has wasted a great deal of political capital. Many people I know who were huge supporters a year ago are disgusted with him now. I hope that he can pull out of this. It's certainly possible.
Nov. 5th, 2010 01:32 am (UTC)
Yeah, I'm not sure I agree with this. With Senators from both parties now using the filibuster constantly, there is always gridlock in Washington. I don't see much good coming of it.

And I don't see that Obama's supporters (myself included) have any right to be "disgusted." Disappointed, perhaps. But the man has accomplished a great deal in less than 2 years -- more than any President in nearly 70 years. That's not merely my opinion. From the standpoint of mere volume of significant legislation pushed through Congress he's far ahead of most Presidents.
Nov. 5th, 2010 12:27 pm (UTC)
>Yeah, I'm not sure I agree with this. I know. I can remember you and I disagreeing about this before. ;-)

I think no one doubts how much Obama has done...it's just a question of whether or not they like it.
Nov. 4th, 2010 07:42 pm (UTC)
Nov. 5th, 2010 01:33 am (UTC)
Nov. 4th, 2010 11:43 pm (UTC)
p.s. John, where's 'er jobs?!?!?

Seriously, it's been two days, why isn't unemployment at 4% yet? Come on Dude, we ain't got all week.
Nov. 5th, 2010 01:34 am (UTC)
That's asking a bit much. 4%? Come on. But it really should be down to 6% by now....
Nov. 5th, 2010 05:43 pm (UTC)

I think we need a town hall stat.

I'll get working on the signs immediately! But first I need to wait for my copy of "Misssspelllling for Dummies" to arrive from Amazon...

Nov. 5th, 2010 03:26 am (UTC)
Love this, David.

Really, how did these yahoos get rewarded for sitting on their thumbs for the past 2 years? I'm all for bipartisanship (well, multi-partisanship), but... to think you've earned some kind of victory because of this vote? You gained the House. Well done. Last year something like 420 House bills went to the Senate to die.

Let's see you top that, guys.
Nov. 5th, 2010 03:35 am (UTC)
Re: Hilarious
Thanks, Tim. Glad you liked it. Yeah, the word my people use for their behavior is "chutzpah." Should be an interesting two years.
( 17 comments — Leave a comment )


Australia, Ghost Gum
David B. Coe

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